Fame Will Cost An Arm And A Leg

"I am doll eyes, doll mouth. doll legs. I am doll arms, big veins, dog bait." Hole from "Doll Parts"

Sorry to make this so short folks but my brother is in town for the weekend and I don't have a lot of time for blogging. But something did cross my sight line that I thought you would all either get a kick out of or find so disturbing that it grossed you out.

It seems the BBC, Britain's number 1 television network, is launching a new show next week called "Britain's Missing Model." It's a reality show rip off of America's Top Model, the biggest difference being that the contestants on this show have disabilities, many are missing limbs. One is deaf.

So, okay, I get it. To the fashion world these women generally wouldn't exist and to give them a show and a spread in Marie Claire is an impassioned power play, but what type of sick fetish freaks are gonna watch this? I admit the idea of watch a one legged woman pogo stick down a runway in the latest European togs is appealing to my sense of sadistic humor, but I've got a conscience and I don't think I could live with myself knowing I was enjoying something so evil.

It's not that I don't think that gals with disabilities can't be attractive, of course they can. :It's the show in general that I have a problem with.

What do you think?

Dixie Cup of Love: Marlee Matlin, Deaf and Hot.

Liza and Other Scary Things

"Evil woman how you done me wrong, but now you're tryin' to wail a different song, Ha Ha funny how you broke me up, you made the wine now you drink the cup." Electric Light Orchestra from "Evil Woman"

There was a wicked grin pasted across the nurses overly made up face as she came in with my Dixie cup of morning medication. As I was again tethered down after a night in which I tried to escape through a doggie door that lead to the head of John Malkovich, she teased me with the pills. Dangling them over my waiting mouth. Cruel temptress whore. She reminded me of all those evil women of the cinema. Though one particular nurse of film comes to mind instantly, I found others far more frightening.

When I speak of scary women on film I'm not talking about how the size of Mary Tyler Moore's head freaks me out or how some of the implants that certain porn stars have look more like soccer balls than boobies. What I'm referring to is those femme fatales that made my testicles seek sanctuary deep inside the cavity of my body.

Obviously there was Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction". I like to think that I am loyal in a relationship because I have integrity and a sense of decency, but the fear of a woman making rabbit stew without skinning said Bugs before cooking terrifies me. Sure, hot steamy sex with an aggressive woman in an elevator sounds like a party hat of an interesting fit, but being stalked by a psycho, though flattering at first, is scarier than Peter Fonda without drugs.

In "Misery" she turned Sonny Corleone in to her bed bitch. I didn't think I would ever be more afraid of Kathy Bates, but then I got a look at her nude scene in "About Schmidt" and that was more cringe inducing than anything Linda Blair ever did in the Exorcist. Some things should be left to the imagination, and if you are imagining Kathy Bates naked, shame on you. That's just wrong.

And I'll probably take some heat for this one, but the Wicked Witch of the West and her array of flying monkeys were chilling to the bone. Granted I was just a body-hairless child at the time I first watched Dorothy open that black and white door to the Technicolor of Munchkinland, but the effect of "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too." that was enough to make me crap my Toughskins. Eventually I grew out of fearing the Witch and turned my psychosis to Judy Garland's offspring, cause Liza is fucking scary.

The reason that I hang my vast array of retro bowling shirts, yeah that's how I roll, the reason they swing on plastic hangers is Faye Dunaway. Well, Faye Dunaway and the fact that they were 30 for $3 at the swap meet. But that movie, that character, that's creepy. Mommie Dearest. The flick could give Stephen King night terrors. If SuperMom suddenly had all her circuit breakers flip to crazy like Mommie Dearest, I'd cut her power cable before putting up with a wire hanger beating. Of that you can be sure.

My final example of heebie-jeebie causers is the character that Juliette Lewis brought to life in the Quentin Tarantino scripted epic, Natural Born Killers. Mallory Knox is perhaps the most terrifying woman that has ever been captured on celluloid. She goes from sexy to psycho faster than a drag racer on meth. Generally I find that to be right in my wheel house, I mean who doesn't love a crazy girl? But when the end result could be my head on a pike, I pass on the crazy.

What characters scared you? Who is the wickedest femme fatale of all?

Dixie Cup of Love: Robin, who kind of scares me.

New Classics

"People you hate will get their hooks into you, they'll pull you down. You'll frown. They'll tar you and drag you through town, but you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie. No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show" Cake from "End of the Movie"

The nurse, bless her crusted heart, thought that I would enjoy an issue of a fish wrap that listed what they thought were the top 100 new Classic Movies. Ok, first of all, the nurse should know better than to antagonize the patients. You don't hand a suicidal man a loaded gun. How did she think I was gonna react to seeing The Talented Mr. Ripley on the list? Was this magazine trying to have a certain someone walk into it's headquarters, armed like a bunch of outcasts at Columbine and start unloading on the insipid so called writers that they employ? Why else would you make this list public? Damn nurse, how dare she.

Of the 100 films that Entertainment Weekly, perhaps the lamest magazine since O, there are many that I wouldn't put in my "New Classics", a horrible idea to begin with, but I digress. I narrowed it down to 11 films that I wanted badly to replace. Those being: Hannah and Her Sisters (Not even the best Woody Allen movie), Crumb (a documentary that wasn't half of March of the Penguins), Casino Royale (Oh please), A Room With a View (Yeah, um, Hitchcock may have done with one better), The Bourne Supremacy (Wasn't nearly as tight as the book), Speed (Keanu, enough said), The Truman Show (Classic Really?), The Lives of Others ( No, just no), Michael Clayton (not even the best movie from last year and it's a so called classic, loading bullets), In The Mood For Love (When you see the films that I will replace these with you will understand why this one gets shit canned), and of course The Talented Mr. Ripley (lousy film, period). Okay, so I could have waxed more off their list, but I decided that I would just replace these 11.

The first film that I nominate is "Clerks". Not the best Kevin Smith film, but it was innovative, it was ground breaking, and yeah, it's a qualified classic. If I was just sucking up to my hero I would have thrown Chasing Amy on the board, but I think Clerks is more justified.

The Ususal Suspects. Omitted from the list. How? That was a slap in the Singer face. It stood out like a white guy at the million man march. The tale of Keyser Soze is so masterfully spun that it should not just be on this silly list, it should be in the top 10. It should have been a no brainer, which is exactly what I believe the EW staff to be, no brainers.

Trainspotting. Again, How? I will agree that some of my choices are just that, my choices, but there are some movies that you just shouldn't leave off a list. I mean they decided that Speed was a classic, but Trainspotting wasn't? Ridiculous. If I want something to wipe my ass with I will buy Charmin not Entertainment Weekly.

So those were my big three. I couldn't believe they weren't on there. A few more of my choices to replace the 11 that I in no way, shape or form think belong in the New Classic category are El Mariachi - The Robert Rodridguez film that started him on a path to greatness. Almost Famous - They elected Jerry Macquire from the Cameron Crowe album, I would have chosen the William Miller story and it's spot on sentimentality. High Fidelity - The wasn't a John Cusack movie on the list. How does that happen? The Ice Storm was my close second pick for him, but I really liked High Fidelity, so it was a personal choice. Lethal Weapon - Only the greatest buddy movie in the history of cinema. Yeah, why call it a classic when there is The Bourne Supermacy to suckle on? Good Will Hunting - See, I don't really hate Matt Damon. This movie is so much better than half the movies on EW's list. I hate seeing it left off. Batman - Tim Burton's Bat was the kick start. It was awesome, it proved that comic book movies could be a little dark and people would still line up. Certainly worthy of Classic acclaim.

The last open spot on the list I leave up to you. What movie would you add to the list? I know you don't have the list in front of you, I just want to know if your choices would be on the list?

Dixie Cup of Love: Every magazine with the exception of Entertainment Weekly and O

You Get What You Pay For

"Half my life's in books' written pages, live and learn from fools and from sages. You know it's true. All the things come back to you" Aerosmith from "Dream On"

the nurse had the nerve to ask me if I watched "America's Top Model". Is she serious? Do I strike you as the type of guy who would waste my precious ticks of the clock watching a bunch of broads who consider a Tic Tac a meal as they plod, bones clanking, along a runway in what some designer asshole calls fashion? I think not. When it comes to a night of the tube I've got some pretty lofty standards. I want my Dixie cup filled, I want my binding straps loosened, and I want my television to provoke more thoughts than "Jeebus, I want to slay all those skinny nit wits."

There was once a little show called "Dream On". HBO produced a half hour comedy series that featured real people, speaking real profanity, and having sex with women with real fake boobs. It may not have been the greatest show since the Honeymooners, but it proved that pay channels could produce original programming at a level that the major networks couldn't touch.

The progression has got out of hand. While network television consistently offers up more reality shows and CSI spin offs, it's on the pay channels that the real entertainment is coming from. And have been coming from for some time.

My love for the Sopranos, even after the unfulfilling finale, is the paradigm of what all programs are measured against. Never before had I found a show more entertaining, more solidly written than the tale of the New Jersey mob boss and his crew. It was something that captured my attention through incredibly long season breaks, I mean year and a half, that's a while to wait for a new episode of anything, but for Tony and the fellas I waited, and celebrated their return. And with that program it seemed HBO went on a rampage.

The next great show that I watched like a crack addict was Deadwood. Here was another great example of the HBO formula. Cast a bunch of relatively unknown actors who have some major talent, give them scripts that featured some of the most sharp dialogue that was written, and toss in a bit of violence and some sex. Listening to Al Swearingen break down his troubles while getting felated shocked and mesmerized me. This show was too good to last and found it's end after a very short run.

Then I got transported to Rome for the story of soldiers, Marc Antony, and of course Cleopatra. This show was another step in the right direction. High production levels, beautiful sets, amazing performances, and my Atia. Polly Walker, Goddess. It had just the right blend of villainy and heroism.

Entourage tapped into a different side of my brain. The Hollywood lust that I have. No, I've never wanted to be an actor. But a writer and director have always been on my wish list. This show caught me from the first episode and though it sometimes get knocked for the sitcom formula where everything seems to work out for the guys in a half hour, I kept coming back. All lot of that had to do with Jeremy Piven in the greatest role of his career since PCU. Ari the Agent.

Now lately, I'm becoming a fan of some Showtime fare. Weeds is the most intriguing show I have seen and I eat it like candy. Californication is wickedly well written. The humor and pace of the speech on that show will make me a fan until it's dying day.

I can't wait to see what the next great show is gonna be.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention FX. Though not a pay channel, shows like The Shield, Rescue Me, The Riches, and Nip/Tuck are all amazing. So, they are moving in the right direction. Well done cable channel. Well done.

Do you watch any pay channel series? FX? What would you like to see?

Dixie Cup of Love: The best $14 I spend a month.

Kid's Gotta Be a Kid

"Set down your Nintendo joysticks right now! Unplug the television and make way for an old vision, Which will now be a new vision. Yes, Headliner, lay the foundation, dig your hands in the dirt, that's right children play with earth. That's right" Arrested Development from "Children Play With Earth"

The nurse laughed like a child on Christmas morning as she entered my room to sedate me into a coma-like existence. Normally I would see her giddiness as a sign of relieved sexual tension, but in this case I could somehow sense that it had nothing to do with her loins. No this joy was brought on by sheer child like glee. She had been playing. The fact that she looked so happy brought to mind an idea of mine, time to share it with the world.

Kid Week. This could be something amazing. But for it to be, I need your help spreading the word. It kicks off on Saturday March 14th, 2009 and ends on Friday March 20th, 2009. The whole point is to reconnect with the child that you gave up on, that being you.

For one week you should play everyday. Play hide and seek, play tag, use your imagination, but for the sake of your own sanity, play. A board game, a video game, chess, cribbage, whatever it is that makes you happy do it. Make a new friend. When's the last time any of us made a new friend? We meet people at the office or through the PTA but how many friends do you really have? Friends you call just to shoot the breeze or talk about a movie? During Kid Week you can play with anyone you want, so make it someone new.

Yes, we all have responsibilities that make this a difficult task. That's sad isn't it? Playing should be something to look forward to. Remembering being a kid, not being able to play was hell. Now look at yourself. Are you still so excited about having fun that you can't sleep in anticipation? What I don't want you to think about during Kid Week is the tedium of your day to day life. I want you to concentrate on what happens after work. What's it gonna be that you won't be able to wait to do?

For my part, I'm gonna design some banners to promote the event. It doesn't cost anything to participate, just a willingness to be childish and silly. And I'm gonna have a prom. That's right. Now, I'm thinking Vegas, but I'm not totally committed to the it. But I will find us a place to dance, to mingle, to drink, and to have one hell of a night of memories. The perfect end to Kid Week and the end of the Asylum Blog Project.

Details will be forthcoming. Plans need to be made, a committee needs to be formed. All in good time. If you would like to be involved in the planning efforts, let me know, via mail.

What other things can we encourage people to do during Kid Week? Will you fly the banners and promote the week? Do you think this is ridiculous?

Dixie Cup of Love: Celibetty for inspiring me to come up with Kid Week.

Playtime for the Mind

"All my life I've always wondered, what it would be like to fire off a bazooka. All my life I've always wondered, what it would be like to fire off a ballistic missile." Dead Milkmen from "Shiny Colored Plastic War Toys"

Apparently there was a special at the plastic surgery clinic cause the nurse came in bandaged up[ like a 15 round prize fighter on Sunday morning. Her nose, eyes, lips, stomach and arms had all gotten work. I heard her tell one of the steroid engorged orderlies that someone in Hollywood had decided to make a live action Barbie movie and she was not set to audition for the part. My jaw was slack both by her willingness to cut herself up to look like a toy and that some producer thought a Barbie movie was a great idea. Seeing her got me thinking about the toys I had as a kid.

Back in the days before X-box, okay before Atari, when I was a kid we had to use imagination to play. I think it was the seed to my being a writer. With a couple of dozen Hot Wheels cars and a large section of floor I would be entertained for hours. Intoxicatingly happy creating elaborate scenarios for jumping, crashes, and all that boy stuff.

But my imagination soared to new plateaus when I got a few action figures. All about twelve inches tall, and modeled after the heroes of the day. G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip was and still is a favorite, the Steve Austin Six Million Dollar Man with the bionic eye was astonishing, then there was Ken, well someone had to get their ass kicked by Joe and Steve, and my sisters Ken doll was a perfect subject of their torture.

We played games as a family, these cardboard phenomenons called "Board Games", Judi Sunshine knows what I'm talking about. Clue, Monopoly, Life, the memory let's me down a bit, but I'm sure you all can remind me of some of your favorites. No matter what the game was it was a family activity that SuperMom, my brother, my sister, and I always seemed to enjoy, even when it was sometimes forced upon us by a failed electrical bill payment. Hey it takes a good board game to make the tough times enjoyable.

The biggest travesty in the toy world has to do with outside toys. Lawn darts were awesome. The danger factor only added to the excitement of the game. In my day that was good times. So was a Frisbee. A nice heavy piece of plastic flung at you by a playmate, not necessarily a Playboy playmate but how spectacular would that be? As the disc of density flew at your person it was stylistic to attempt a wide array of catching techniques. Some would end only with your head being the immovable force. Danger = excitement.

Now I love my X-box. It's a fantastic source of amusement for me, but it doesn't do much to stimulate my imagination, and that's a shame. Should I ever have a litter of kids I'm getting them BB guns, lawn darts, and Monopoly, just have to make sure to pay the insurance premiums.

What was your favorite childhood toy?

Dixie Cup of Love: Whamm-O!