"Evil woman how you done me wrong, but now you're tryin' to wail a different song, Ha Ha funny how you broke me up, you made the wine now you drink the cup." Electric Light Orchestra from "Evil Woman"
There was a wicked grin pasted across the nurses overly made up face as she came in with my Dixie cup of morning medication. As I was again tethered down after a night in which I tried to escape through a doggie door that lead to the head of John Malkovich, she teased me with the pills. Dangling them over my waiting mouth. Cruel temptress whore. She reminded me of all those evil women of the cinema. Though one particular nurse of film comes to mind instantly, I found others far more frightening.
When I speak of scary women on film I'm not talking about how the size of Mary Tyler Moore's head freaks me out or how some of the implants that certain porn stars have look more like soccer balls than boobies. What I'm referring to is those femme fatales that made my testicles seek sanctuary deep inside the cavity of my body.
Obviously there was Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction". I like to think that I am loyal in a relationship because I have integrity and a sense of decency, but the fear of a woman making rabbit stew without skinning said Bugs before cooking terrifies me. Sure, hot steamy sex with an aggressive woman in an elevator sounds like a party hat of an interesting fit, but being stalked by a psycho, though flattering at first, is scarier than Peter Fonda without drugs.
In "Misery" she turned Sonny Corleone in to her bed bitch. I didn't think I would ever be more afraid of Kathy Bates, but then I got a look at her nude scene in "About Schmidt" and that was more cringe inducing than anything Linda Blair ever did in the Exorcist. Some things should be left to the imagination, and if you are imagining Kathy Bates naked, shame on you. That's just wrong.
And I'll probably take some heat for this one, but the Wicked Witch of the West and her array of flying monkeys were chilling to the bone. Granted I was just a body-hairless child at the time I first watched Dorothy open that black and white door to the Technicolor of Munchkinland, but the effect of "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too." that was enough to make me crap my Toughskins. Eventually I grew out of fearing the Witch and turned my psychosis to Judy Garland's offspring, cause Liza is fucking scary.
The reason that I hang my vast array of retro bowling shirts, yeah that's how I roll, the reason they swing on plastic hangers is Faye Dunaway. Well, Faye Dunaway and the fact that they were 30 for $3 at the swap meet. But that movie, that character, that's creepy. Mommie Dearest. The flick could give Stephen King night terrors. If SuperMom suddenly had all her circuit breakers flip to crazy like Mommie Dearest, I'd cut her power cable before putting up with a wire hanger beating. Of that you can be sure.
My final example of heebie-jeebie causers is the character that Juliette Lewis brought to life in the Quentin Tarantino scripted epic, Natural Born Killers. Mallory Knox is perhaps the most terrifying woman that has ever been captured on celluloid. She goes from sexy to psycho faster than a drag racer on meth. Generally I find that to be right in my wheel house, I mean who doesn't love a crazy girl? But when the end result could be my head on a pike, I pass on the crazy.
What characters scared you? Who is the wickedest femme fatale of all?
Dixie Cup of Love: Robin, who kind of scares me.
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