New Classics

"People you hate will get their hooks into you, they'll pull you down. You'll frown. They'll tar you and drag you through town, but you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie. No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show" Cake from "End of the Movie"

The nurse, bless her crusted heart, thought that I would enjoy an issue of a fish wrap that listed what they thought were the top 100 new Classic Movies. Ok, first of all, the nurse should know better than to antagonize the patients. You don't hand a suicidal man a loaded gun. How did she think I was gonna react to seeing The Talented Mr. Ripley on the list? Was this magazine trying to have a certain someone walk into it's headquarters, armed like a bunch of outcasts at Columbine and start unloading on the insipid so called writers that they employ? Why else would you make this list public? Damn nurse, how dare she.

Of the 100 films that Entertainment Weekly, perhaps the lamest magazine since O, there are many that I wouldn't put in my "New Classics", a horrible idea to begin with, but I digress. I narrowed it down to 11 films that I wanted badly to replace. Those being: Hannah and Her Sisters (Not even the best Woody Allen movie), Crumb (a documentary that wasn't half of March of the Penguins), Casino Royale (Oh please), A Room With a View (Yeah, um, Hitchcock may have done with one better), The Bourne Supremacy (Wasn't nearly as tight as the book), Speed (Keanu, enough said), The Truman Show (Classic Really?), The Lives of Others ( No, just no), Michael Clayton (not even the best movie from last year and it's a so called classic, loading bullets), In The Mood For Love (When you see the films that I will replace these with you will understand why this one gets shit canned), and of course The Talented Mr. Ripley (lousy film, period). Okay, so I could have waxed more off their list, but I decided that I would just replace these 11.

The first film that I nominate is "Clerks". Not the best Kevin Smith film, but it was innovative, it was ground breaking, and yeah, it's a qualified classic. If I was just sucking up to my hero I would have thrown Chasing Amy on the board, but I think Clerks is more justified.

The Ususal Suspects. Omitted from the list. How? That was a slap in the Singer face. It stood out like a white guy at the million man march. The tale of Keyser Soze is so masterfully spun that it should not just be on this silly list, it should be in the top 10. It should have been a no brainer, which is exactly what I believe the EW staff to be, no brainers.

Trainspotting. Again, How? I will agree that some of my choices are just that, my choices, but there are some movies that you just shouldn't leave off a list. I mean they decided that Speed was a classic, but Trainspotting wasn't? Ridiculous. If I want something to wipe my ass with I will buy Charmin not Entertainment Weekly.

So those were my big three. I couldn't believe they weren't on there. A few more of my choices to replace the 11 that I in no way, shape or form think belong in the New Classic category are El Mariachi - The Robert Rodridguez film that started him on a path to greatness. Almost Famous - They elected Jerry Macquire from the Cameron Crowe album, I would have chosen the William Miller story and it's spot on sentimentality. High Fidelity - The wasn't a John Cusack movie on the list. How does that happen? The Ice Storm was my close second pick for him, but I really liked High Fidelity, so it was a personal choice. Lethal Weapon - Only the greatest buddy movie in the history of cinema. Yeah, why call it a classic when there is The Bourne Supermacy to suckle on? Good Will Hunting - See, I don't really hate Matt Damon. This movie is so much better than half the movies on EW's list. I hate seeing it left off. Batman - Tim Burton's Bat was the kick start. It was awesome, it proved that comic book movies could be a little dark and people would still line up. Certainly worthy of Classic acclaim.

The last open spot on the list I leave up to you. What movie would you add to the list? I know you don't have the list in front of you, I just want to know if your choices would be on the list?

Dixie Cup of Love: Every magazine with the exception of Entertainment Weekly and O