Open Letter To Self

Mike -

One of your favorite jokes in the world is What is meaner than a Pit Bull with Aids? The guy that gave it Aids of course. You may not transmit disease but you have definitely screwed the pooch.

On the first day I met her I said the most asinine thing that a man could say. Guess it was a precursor of things to come. I'm always saying the wrong thing. That's the worst part of being without a filter. It just comes out. You know how many times I have tried to stiffle it? Countless. But it's still there, causing me sorrow the likes of which I have not felt before. A woman loved me. A good woman, a smart, beautiful woman. A flawed woman. No woman is perfect, no relationship impervious. But she loved me. And I showed her nothing but distrust, blind ignorance, sorrow and eventually heartbreak. I showed her these things not because I wanted to, but because I was learning.

I never had anyone to show me, to mold me, into what a man is supposed to be. My father was a wretched soul and taught me nothing that I needed in the last two weeks. I never learned that with love came support, understanding, an open mind. With a relationship a man needs to be an ear to listen and a voice of empathy. No one taught me. I learned from my mistakes, the mistakes that ended up costing me the love of a good woman, a strong woman, a caring woman.

You learned the err of your ways too late sir. She is not interested in being with you anymore, it's too hard on her. And really, can you blame her? You didn't waver in your objection, but when you didn't get your way, you didn't bend either. You simply broke like a boy. You are alone now. Sure there are friends about, but in the sense that the person you bared your heart to, the person that you were open with, the person that you loved, you're alone. So don't forget what you have learned sir.

I know that your intentions were not malicious. I'm sure she does too, but you were a wet blanket on hot day. Instead of stopping to smell the roses you rushed for things to be labeled and easy. It's not easy being in love. It's impossible to be in love with you. So wallow while you will. Hide and remain out of sight. Her life will continue without you in it and she is probably better off for it. But...

The man that she first met you are no longer. The man that you wish to be still lies in front of you. Be better. Be caring. Be empathetic. Be supportive and loving without being forceful and brutish. Be a man. A self taught good man, with a good heart, and a wise head.

If you can achieve that, then this heartbreak that you feel now will return rewards to you.

Lesson learned.
Mike