Glossy Pages

"We take all kinda pills that give us all kinda thrills, But the thrill we never know, Is the thrill that'll gitcha when ya get your picture, On the cover of the Rolling Stone" Dr Hook from "Cover of Rolling Stone"

The nurse has this habit of stealing magazines from the dingy lobby of the Asylum. She could buy her own, but she doesn't. But she reads then sitting outside my room for hours on end. It's always the sound of the rigid page turning, the stench of whatever new rapper inspired cologne that is being shilled, then the grunt of her disgust at the model or article that she sees. It makes me wonder if she only reads them to pass the time and piss her off, or if she actually doesn enjoy the pictures, cause reading above a fourth grade level would be a Reed Richards like stretch. And let's face facts, the Asylum doesn't have the greatest array of periodicals to being with.

When it comes to me shelling out five to ten bucks for a magazine the content if really what's important. Every guy who reads Playboy does so because it's the classiest way to ogle naked women. However, the writers for Playboy win awards, it's informative, and a hoot of hilarity, but when the last article has been read we keep the stroke book lingering in the bathroom for the pictorials. Didn't mean to break any man codes, but it's true.

Rolling Stone used to be the pinnacle source of music news and interviews with some of the greatest musicians, politians, and entertainers of all time. To hell with Parade, Spin and Circus. Sure Lester Bangs did bring some street cred to Cream, but there is only one Rolling Stone. Now, I'm as liberal as the next Obama supporter, but Jan Wenner and team now take themselves way too seriously. They used to have PJ O'Rouke there to even things out, to give the conservatives a voice, because even Republicans like music, I think. The once proud musical beacon in now just a Bush hate factory and Blender is a far more reliable way to get music news. When I'm really interested in finding something new, it's Blender that I turn to, not the quintesential rock magazine of the last 40 years. Maybe when Rock-n-Roll died it should have taken Rolling Stone with it.

When it comes to a men's magazine I'm no GQ fan. There is very little, if anything, in that ad over-packed fashion disaster that I can actually relate to. Instead I turn to the man's man's magazine, Maxim. Now here's a rag that has it's fair share of hot women, great articles on sports, drinking tips, plus you can learn how to survive a natural disaster. You think Reader's Digest can deliver all that? Of course not. Niether can "O". Have you ever noticed that only one person has ever been on the cover of that waste of paper? What the hell is that about? Even in the Asylum had it's own magazine I'd put Dr. Dot on the cover before me, some people just have ego issues I guess.

As for some of those super market scandal rags, well, I miss the Weekly World News. It was a fine publication that wasn't bogged down by silly things like facts and the truth. It did more for the phrase "sources close to" than the National Enquirer ever could. And I do love the celebrities that file lawsuits against the tabloids. It's like admitting to the world that these fish wraps actually matter. The best advice I could give the celebs is this "It's the fucking National Enquirer, it matters about as much as "O"."

With the increase in Internet traffic, I think it's only a matter of time before all print publications go the way of Jessica Hahn, gone and forgotten. I will miss them, but "sources close to" the Asylum don't think "O" would be missed by anyone.

Dou you read any magazines? Do you think they are going to disappear?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Weekly World News.