Don't Pick At It

"People act so proper when they're going 'bout their business Cup of coffee, friendly conversation 'Til they get home, 'Til they get home . Turn the phone off, lock the door and shut the curtains, Make sure that the neighbors are without suspicion, No one will know, No one will know. Nasty habits, I must condone, No one knows what I do when I'm all alone" Oingo Boingo from "Nasty Habits

When the nurse came in to give me my daily dose of happy pills I couldn't help but notice that her finger nails have been gnawed down to stumps. It's a bad habit, but in the realm of horrifying rituals it only ranks about a 2 out of 10 on the destructive scale. Tolerable, but still something that she should have some control over. But isn't that where we all fail? Self control? Looking at the nurse and her gnarled up piggies got me thinking of my own lack of self control.

When it comes to bad habits I have a few that I could do without. I have some that I enjoy too much to let go of, smoking cigarettes for one. I'm not one of those smokers who is constantly trying to quit, I've never even tried to stop, it's just one of the joys in my life. Oh sure, I know it's killing me, but since when should mere mortality make me quit doing anything.

Lately, I have been drinking a little more than I would like to. It's the "New Kid in Town" syndrome. It's a trying to find new friends mentality that keeps me heading for the bar. I've been in trouble with booze before, too much drinking and driving, too many black-outs, too much of the curse of the Captain. The curse being it doesn't start tasting its best until I'm out of the realm of soberiety. And I'm not enjoying myself like I used to, so, I think me and the Captain are going to part company for a while.

The hardest habit for me to break is this cycle of depression that I spiral into everytime I think something might be going against me. The first reaction I have is to head to the bar. I've been good about not doing that, except for the last few weeks, and seeing that I recognize the potenial in the problem behavior I can make advances towards curbing it like a broke down Impala. Which leads me to dealing with the overall depression.

Like most everyone on the planet I get into moods when I don't feel worthy, necessary, or wanted. These are the days when I am at my darkest. Sitting in the pitch black, listening to a haunting melody, thinking questions like "why me" this and "why not me" that. Usually it revovles around one of two things. A dame that I am fully into who doesn't quite feel the same intensity of emotion towards me. Or that I am unhappy with what I am writing. So I stoop to different levels of denial. I write things I know will please, even if I hate them. I start dating people that I have no chemistry with, whether it be her inability to make eye contact, a sure fire hint that the chemistry set is out of juice, or my own personal foibles. It feels worse than being alone.

That's not the person I want to be, so I'm not gonna. Right now, I'm in a good head space, sure lonely, but not depressed, not over joyed, but content. So, no more. No more wasting my time looking for that which I can't find. No more wasting my will on things that will not change. No more negativity, yeah right, who am I kidding.

These habits can be a part of me, but they can't be me. I have the will power to stop the cycles, to reamin happy regardless of the circumstances. No matter if it be HellJob, the Asylum, or other people, I will not let others nor myself to be brung down.

What bad habits do you have that you would like to change?

Dixie Cup of Love: Me.