Hazards of Duke

"Southern man better keep your head, Don't forget what your good book said. Southern change gonna come at last, Now your crosses are burning fast." Neil Young from "Southern Man"

The nurse was outfitted in a T-shirt from her so-called med school which bore the statement "Nurses do it because they care." Sweet sentiment. Must have been a wonderful educational establishment, I mean as wonderful as one can be when it's located above an auto repair shop. But I was still kind of envious of her for sporting the alma mater's gear. I never attended college, so I can't wear sweatshirts emblazoned with Screaming Eagles or anything like that. And I won't shill for a college that I didn't attend, unlike my other cohorts down here in the Slow. I can't get two feet from my gurney without seeing a Duke University hat. It's one of the constant reminders that I am not in Los Angeles anymore. But it's not really the head wear that picks at me, it's the fact that I had no idea what the South was gonna be like when I moved here and seeing the nurse wearing her college togs got me thinking about the place I live.

Being a native of California, my only real exposure to the South came in the form of movies like Deliverance and television programs like the Emmy winning "Dukes of Hazzard" What do you mean it never won an Emmy? Surely if the Six Million Dollar Man could garner a statue, then Bo and Luke Duke were deserving. Oh, I see, Six Million Dollar Man never one either, go figure. Anyway, the point I am getting at is that no yokels have yet to anally rape me while demanding that my squeal sound like swine.. But the similarities to the Dukes of Hazzard are uncanny.

Is there stuff that you could jump a car over? Hell yeah. Almost everywhere one looks there is something broken down or boarded up that would be perfect fodder for a bitchin car jump, provided your car was a big enough heap of crap that you didn't mind bending it like a Gumby doll. There are gully's, ravines, and downed trees around every turn. I was thinking of welding the doors of the cruiser shut, but who am I kidding, I ain't fitting through no car window without a girdle and two pounds of Crisco. So, no, I won't be doing any high flying stunt jumps with Dixie blaring from the horn.

What about Daisy Dukes? Now mind you, summer hasn't arrived yet, but unless the women down here lose weight like Al Rooker, I don't want to subject my orbs to a bunch of Daisy Dukes. You all know that I have no problem with a plus sized girl, but there are some things that you don't show off in public. I mean, I don't go around shirtless because I have respect for you, well that and the pointing and gagging is a bit much to take. The point is, same rules should apply to the gals. Be big, be sexy, but that doesn't mean putting on a handkerchief and calling it a top.

Does everyone sound like Paula Dean? If you don't know Paula then you must be an anorexic, because those of us who eat think of Paula as the Butter Queen. Her accent is so thick that you may wonder if everyone here says "y'all" in every sentence. Um, yeah, they do. I was talking to a customer at HellJob who asked where I was from. I asked if he knew my origins lie elsewhere because of my lack of an accent. He said "No, but y'all are wearing them shoes" Of course referring to my Chuck Taylor All Star's, which are apparently the official shoe of the West Coast in the eyes of my Southern friends.

Is everyone like Roscoe P. Coltrane? No, not really, the people are actually pretty friendly, but not as open as I'm used to. In LA I swung with a group that was pretty inviting to strangers, sure we had tons of inside jokes, but we allowed others a chance to be the butt of their own new jokes. Here they don't invite those they don't know, but time will determine the outcome, maybe they just have a longer incubation period.

Any questions about the South? Or thoughts on the Dukes of Hazzard? Or Paula Dean?

Dixie Cup of Love: Catherine Bach