Power of Green

"But green's the color of Spring. And green can be cool and friendly-like. And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree." Kermit The Frog from "It's Not Easy Being Green"

The nurse accidentally slipped on a slightly used condom as she entered my super soft padded walled room. She showed amazing dexterity for a gal who does her best work in the prone position, walking only suits her until she finds a John, I mean a date. Looking down at the implement of her near annihilation, seeing the prophylactic strewn on the floor like unwanted banana peels, she turned her gaze to me, as f I was responsible for leaving the slippery spermicidal balloon in her path. I swear I could see the vein in her forehead throbbing to what could only the the best of "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell. I thought she was gonna freak out, turn green, and start ripping her clothes to shreds, Hulk style.

If I turned into the Hulk every time someone pissed me off I would have a serious shortage of clothes. Think about what the poor bastard has to spend on Tough Skins every month. Not like one yearly, before school starts, shopping trip, I would be shopping for dungarees in bulk. And sadly, it wouldn't be me getting all pissed off over the social ills of the world, fuck no. Cut me off in traffic, I need a change of clothes. Step in front of me with an empty shopping cart at Wal-Mart, and two seconds later I'm heading to Mens Wear to get new sweats. It would seriously be a burden.

But would the ever expanding wardrobe budget be off set by the utter coolness of a jade skinned freak out? Sure it would impress the ladies, I mean if just getting me angry would force my body to triple in size, surely a well timed use of teeth during foreplay would only engorge Mini Hulk, right? And we all know what a pain in the ass parking is during the holidays. One kick to the giblets and I could throw that Hummer taking two spots over the JC Penny and halfway to Macy's.

Pros and cons would exist on both sides of the gamma radiation experiment. But as a tortured soul, Banner, would never see the pros. The negatives for him would outweigh any possible good that could come from being the Hulk. His rage leads to random destruction, which only ends up leaving him feeling worse. A cycle of unbreakable inertia. Atomic and the Jew may ring in here with a time line in comic continuity when the random destruction came under control, but by then the damage was done. That's the dichotomy that the first Hulk movie failed to capture for me. Maybe I missed it, maybe it wasn't there, maybe Ang Lee should stick to period dramas. I don't know.

Today, Edward Norton, one of the finest actors on the planet, takes on the role of the human form of the UnJolly Green Giant. Will this Hulk movie suffer the same fate as the first? Will the franchise die? Not to worry, even if it does suck like a Hoover upright, at least Dark Knight is still coming out later this summer. Thank God Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing.

Is there a Hulk inside of you? What brings it out?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Wonderful minds of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.