McFucked

"Oh, folks but lately I have been spotted with a Big Mac on my breath. Stumbling into a Colonel Sanders with a face as white as death. I'm afraid someday they'll find me just stretched out on my bed with a handful of Pringles potato chips and a Ding Dong by my head" Larry Groce from "Junk Food Junkie"

The nurse was late with my dose of happy fun time pills and the worry must have been all over my reality facing mug when she entered. She smirked, taking a bite of her breakfast burrito, the cause of her tardiness. Of course she is allowed to feed, I just always assumed that she did so like all the other Nosferatu, draining the hemoglobin strait from her preys carotid artery with her fangs. But seeing her chomp on a tortilla surrounding eggs, bacon, and enough sausage to make a porn star nervous, I realized that even though the sun light would turn her to dust, the nurse liked to eat fast food like the rest of us. Though, I'd venture to guess that she mostly haunts the 24 hour variety, as they would be open in the pre-dawn hours.

We all know that eating fast food is the equivalent of pouring fat directly into our veins, consequences be damned. We do it because it's convenient, the single thing that makes America American. Waiting isn't our strong suit, hell it's not even that suit that we keep in the very back of the closet, you know, the baby blue job with the lapels wider than Tennessee. Speed is not only our drug of choice, but our lifestyle of choice. Think about it. Have you ever been sitting in line at the drive thru of your local McSatan's and cursed the minimum wage earning, grease covered, teenagers and convicted felons that jockey the headset and fryer? Ever time how long it takes for that obscenity laced diatribe to start? I bet it's about 3 minutes. 5 tops. If the Big Mac Attack isn't squelched in a time frame that should make us question how long that cholesterol burger has been sitting under the heat lamp, we freak out.

So, with our need for speed taking precedence over our need to be healthy, why aren't there any fast food establishments that offer healthy grub on the go? Wouldn't you eat at a place that could service you with a good for you menu if it could be delivered at the speed of Burger Hut? No, probably not. Because it doesn't taste as good as a cardboard box of canola oil soaked potatoes. But if the option existed and the food didn't taste like dirt or tofu, you'd probably try to hit it once, maybe twice a week. Wouldn't you?

That's my challenge to America. Stop with the news stories and documentaries about what a bunch of fatties we all are. Start offering us an option. Face the fact that we live in our cars, we eat on the run, and time is the most precious resource we have, except for cheap gas. Show us that you care enough about your citizens to offer these establishments tax breaks. Offer grants to open these types of businesses. Prove that you don't want us to die choking on our own weak will. And you restaurateurs out there, make the chow edible, make it tasty, that's how you get us hooked. Crack is awesome at retaining customers, why shouldn't your new wholesome drive thru?

Would you eat at a health food drive thru? Is this the greatest idea since sliced tofu? Isn't tofu disgusting?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Slender Being inside All of Us.