"Go 'way from my window, leave at your own chosen speed. I'm not the one you want, babe, I'm not the one you need. You say you're lookin' for someone never weak but always strong, to protect you an' defend you whether you are right or wrong." Bob Dylan from "It Ain't Me Babe"
The psychiatrist at the Asylum had the nurse and I in for a little couples therapy session. I tried to explain to the mentalist that she was just a made up fantasy and that having her in on my therapy would, in fact, probably do more harm than good. But Dr. Quack saw it a little differently. He thought that maybe I wasn't being honest enough, wasn't looking deep enough, wasn't letting go enough, and the nurse was my restricter plate. Having her in on the appointment might allow me to see things for what they really are. He held a mirror up in front of the nurse and asked me what I saw. And in her reflection, I saw the nurse as I never had before, and she saw me as something more than just an inmate. This realization got me thinking.
How do you see me?
Interesting question. Hard to answer in an honest way if you have negatives to say, hard because you don't want to hurt the feelings of the recipient. Even harder to answer when the person you are talking about is yourself.
I've been more honest in these blogs than I imagined I would be. The words flow from my fingertips like bullets of truth, piercing my armor, letting my emotional blood pour across the cyber world. Why? At first I thought it was a great way to allow people to see my talent, to garner fan support and adulation, but as the first quarter of the year closes, that's right one fourth of this project is now in the rear view mirror, I realize that I am addicted to you all. A comment junkie who needs his fix and writes in order to procure just that. And it turns out the more I reveal of my inner workings, the more you respond.
Along the way I have lost some people, those whose blogs I no longer have the time to comment on, and I can't blame them for stepping away. When I was pre-HellJob I had time to sit in front of the monitor and read blogs all day, as a matter of fact, it got me through that time with what little sanity I had still intact. But lately I have been slack in my efforts to read the writings of my fellow bloggers. I apologize to those that I have offended with my busy schedule. It's not intentional, if I had the time, I would like nothing better than to pour through your magnificent words all day. Sadly, I can't.
For those of you that have stayed with me for the first season, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your insights are sometimes just the thing I need to see whatever issue I've decided to ramble about from a different angle. Some of you I have gotten to know a little bit, some I only know by your comments, but you're all important to me and I miss you when you're not around. Some of you have mystified me, some have inspired me, some have shown me things that I would never have seen, and some have occasionally pissed me off. That's proved to be the point that I didn't know existed. When I was tired, and thought of giving up, a few of you stood strong in your opinion that I continue to try and see this thing through to conclusion. Thanks. Without that, I would have quit, but as out of material as I am, I'm gonna find a way to fight on.
We're gonna have a prom on Mar 20th of 2009. I don't know where yet, I don't know how, but I think it's gotta happen. The greatest gift that has come from the Asylum is how you all support each other. I don't feel like the center of the universe, but I brought a lot of you together and I think that's amazing. And I have to meet you all. So, start saving your pennies.
So, after 92 blogs, how do you see the Asylum?
Dixie Cup of Love: Spring 2008.
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