All About Ashley

"She said, she said' you don't know shit, because you've never been there. She turned upon him, took him by the hair. Spun him round about, laughing as he fell about, sat down for a drinkin her father's favourite chair." Ned's Atomic Dustbin from "Kill Your Television"

Every year about this time the Asylum holds a talent competition for the entire staff. In years past the winner, four years running, has been Doris the Cafeteria lady. Her vast array of useless talents has had everyone gunning for her like she was Jessie James. This year the nurse was dead set on being Doris' personal Pat Garrett. A bullet in the back would not have surprised me, but hearing that the nurse intended to do sketch comedy, that was more shocking than the end of The Usual Suspects. I didn't know the nurse had it in her, comedy I mean, you dirty filthy minded adolescents.

I'm a decent enough writer, not too shabby as a director either, though I still have much to learn on that skill set. Acting, however, well I've never been one to think of myself as the next DiCaprio. But for two different seasons of KYTV my skills, such as they are, were on display in a limited way every Friday night.

While doing work with the Insurgo Theater Movement in Orange County I got roped into being the tech guy fro my pal Russ' brain child. A talk show. A live in the theater talk show. It had the familiar markings, a monologue, the bit, a guest or two, then a musical act. It was insanely popular. I'm sure Russ takes most of the credit when he discusses the show, and he rightfully deserves it, but the two people that came out of it with fan clubs were Darcy and I.

We played characters, though our names were our own. Darcy was the stage manager and neighborhood man hole. I don't know how that came about, maybe it just evolved into that, who knows. As for me, well, I was the tech guy portrayed as a constantly stoned and enamored with Ashley Olsen kind of fellow. I even wore a "Fuck Mary Kate" shirt. And there is a song. You can here it right here: It's All About Ashley.

We had more fun than should be allowed in theater. And our fans were rabid and loyal. Every Friday night, no matter what show was on stage during primetime, the KYTV supporters would arrive, sometimes drunk, sometimes stoned, sometimes somewhere in between. No matter what the audiences state of coherency was Russ, John, Darcy and I always tried to entertain them as only we could. We even managed to squeeze in a few reoccurring characters like the Russian UPS guy, Jombi from Pee Wee's Playhouse, and Uncle Beer who would not only teach us to make booze, but offered up samples to the crowd.

The musical guests were often times more entertaining than the show itself. Mike Barnett, Jessica Dobson, and the world famous Hokie Brothers, who later became a little band that I might have mentioned from time to time, Bob Knows Best.

My favorite episodes were The One Twinkie To Rule Them All, a Lord of the Rings spoof and our lost 70's Episode. It was a grand time to be a theater geek.

Ever done any performing?

Dixie Cup of Love: Russ, John and of course Darcy.