Unscheduled Stop

"I'm not aware of too many things, I know what I know if you know what I mean" Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians from "What I Am"

Today, as I mellowed out after my medication, the nurse came back in to talk. She wanted to set me straight on a few delusions that I had been harboring, little fugitive thoughts that I was keeping from the harsh reality of the light. One of the reasons I remain in this Asylum is I chose it. It's a wonderfully false world that allows me to be a version of myself. Not always the real me but, like Beatlemania, an incredible facsimile. Having the nurse spell out in one short paragraph what I wasn't able to wrap my mind around cracked my facade to the mortar.

First of all, the comments are being disabled today for two reasons. One is I have some family issues that I have to deal with and won't have time to answer all your comments. Two, I don't think comments are gonna be easy to come up with so, I'm letting you off the hook. Tomorrow we will return to our normal scheduled hijinx.

What I really am.

I'm delusional. I'm irresponsible with other people's feelings. I'm confused about what I expect from life. I'm inadequate in my own mind. I'm prone to fits of irrational jealousy. I'm self centered and opinionated, a horrible combination. I'm walking around in a near constant state of sadness. I'm more alone in a crowded room than I am when I'm by myself. I'm and idealist and a dreamer who prefers my fantasies to reality more often then I care to admit. I'm smart enough to finish the NY Times crossword puzzle and too stupid to realize that it doesn't mean shit.

What I am not.

I'm not the writer that I want to be. I'm not all that likable. I'm not very in touch with how other people feel about me. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm not comfortable in difficult relationships. I'm not sure that I won't die alone. I'm not sure if I have what it takes. I'm not going in sane. I'm not about to give up.

What I'm becoming.

I'm becoming the man I wish I was through hard work and determination. I'm becoming the writer I want to be. I'm becoming more accepting everyday. I'm becoming worthy of you. I'm becoming a better person. I'm becoming more compassionate. I'm becoming undone by the truth, and I'm also becoming stronger by dealing with it.

What I wish.

I wish that things were different. I wish that I was proud, strong, secure, and happy. I wish you the best life you can imagine. I wish you undeniable happiness. I wish I didn't have to wish for these things.

Dixie Cup of Love : You.