Taking Summer Back

"So let's board the dogs lock the door. We'll roll down Interstate 94. Be the best week of our lives I can tell. We'll take our dream vacation in the Dells" The Gear Daddies from "Dream Vacation"

The nurse informed me that it was time for her annual getaway week. This always made me uneasy, as I was never sure if she would ever come back, and of course I had no idea how I would get my meds while she was gone. It's not like she deserved a break or anything, how hard can dealing with yours truly be? I'm strapped down eighty percent of the time and I ask for a sponge bath every other day. It's not like I'm some Naomi Campbell of a patient, throwing cell phones, ranting about tofu, and generally being a spoiled bitch. I'm a tethered down patient in an Asylum for the love of Pete. Why does she even get vacations, she's imaginary?

We've all played the "Where would you go for a vacation if you could go anywhere game?". It's fun to think about ourselves in exotic locales, smoking worldly strands of marijuana or sipping shots off the belly of a locale prostitute. Wait, maybe that's just how I envision my vacation. I don't have the kids that I need to make happy. Disney World is not on my radar screen. That is, unless they built a Disney World Amsterdam, in which case I'm certainly gonna enjoy the shit out of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Maybe spend the day at Goofy's Bakery eating pot brownies and giving passing children the bird. Stoned to the bone I just might figure out what the appeal is of "It's A Small World", cause sober that is just a boring, mind numbing ten minutes.

I'd like to go to Italy, zip around Rome on a Vespa, pointing and saying "Ciao" to the locals. That would be a trip all about food and finding an Italian hooker with baby seal sized brown eyes. Sure, I'd want to take in the sights, maybe get high and visit the Vatican, cause that would be the only way to do it. But alas, this would require finding weed in a foreign land that isn't as friendly to the Glaucoma set as The Netherlands. You know, I'm sure there are museums and plenty of old stuff, not just talking hookers here, in Amsterdam. Ciao Italy. I hardly missed you.

What about the land down under? Australia seems appealing. I've heard that the women there are quite the free spirited batch. Not that I am saying that all Aussie women are whores, not at all, I just read that it's the easiest place in the world to get laid. But you know, the problem with Australia is, it's at the other end of the world. The plane ride if like four days long, that's no way to start a vacation. Sure, getting piloted with an Aborigine sounds like a hoot, all that fire, dancing and digereedo playing. But you know, Scott can blow that bamboo and he's not quite four days away. Nope, Australia is off the itinerary.

So where does that leave my vacation planning? How about some place right here in the old U.S. of A.? Now, just gotta pick a destination. Let's see. Florida, too humid. Washington, too much rain. New York, too New York-ey. North Dakota, why the hell would anyone vacation in North Dakota? Hawaii, interesting thought, but now that I'm east coast it's a hella plane ride, might was well go to... Amsterdam.

Well, I guess picking a destination for the week that you are allotted for personal time from a dead end, soul crushing, slave waged job is harder than I thought. Am I the only one that thinks that we should get some kind of summer vacation package? Not all of us can take off June through Sept., I'd be willing to take Dec through Feb, doesn't matter that much too me, it would just be a great way to increase productivity, happy working environments, and vacations wouldn't have to be crammed into a seven day window, which would put Australia back on the board.

Where would you go on Vacation? What's the best one you've been on? Family vacation horror stories always welcome.

Dixie Cup of Love: Dutch Hookers and Bakers.