The Complete Idiot

"Welcome to a new kind of tension. All across the alien nation. Where everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow. We're not the ones who're meant to follow. For that's enough to argue." Green Day from "American Idiot"

The nurse was reading a book entitled "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Nursing in An Imaginary Asylum" and I realized that these books have gotten out of control. First of all, I didn't even know that the nurse could read above a fourth grade level. But the fact that there was a book that so was specific to the nurse and her role in my life was astounding to me. And it got me thinking about other idiot guides that I think the world is ready for and some that really exist.

There are things that an idiots guide are useful for. A Complete Idiot's Guide to HTML can come in handy. The Idiot's Guide to Self Esteem isn't. If you're self esteem is so far in the porcelain altar that you feel the need to read a book that begins by calling you an idiot, thereby lowering your self esteem, you need bigger more professional help than that book can offer you. If you buy an idiots guide to being funny, you're not, get over it, move on, take up scrapbooking. There's an idiot's guide for that to help you get started.

If you are currently reading the Complete Idiots Guide to Breaking Bad Habits, the first habit you need to break is buying worthless books. You can't quit smoking because a book tells you to, you just have to set down the smokes. I can't, I love smoking, but I know that I won't buy a Complete Idiot's Guide to Cancer because I know that I got the cancer because I was a complete idiot. Did you know there's a Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing Your Time. This book should be one page long. Reader, buy a watch, get more shit done. The End. Do you think your time is being well spend reading that book? Do you think the 17 bucks you shelled out for it is listed as a great expense in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing Your Finances?

I will admit that I have a few of these books. Why? Because I was feeling like an incomplete idiot and thought that I could gain some knowledge from them. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing told me to write. Insightful, no? I would never have been able to figure that one out on my own. I do not, however, own the Complete Idiot's Guide to Fly Fishing because I find the title to be oxymoronic. There are no Complete Idiot's Guides on my bookshelf that tackle Jesus, The Bible, The Book of Revalations, Jewish Myth and Mysticism, Understanding Mormanism, or Kabbalah, yet they are all available. Screw you Scientologists, you're not covered.

But there's a few books that I'm not sure if they exist, but they should. I'd like to read the Complete Idiot's Guide to Masturbation. If you can't figure out how to please yourself, you should be able to buy a book that teaches you. I'd like to read the Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Women. And I hope that it's written by a dude that has never been married, had kids, and still lives in his mothers basement, cause he would know as much as anyone else. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being A Celebutante could actually teach you how to use millions of dollars to be thought of world wide as a whore. Where's the Complete Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Whore? What a read that would be, huh?

Now, that this blog is done, I feel like a complete idiot. Maybe I'll write a book.

What Idiot's Guide would you like to read?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Drugs.