Art Teacher Needed

"It feels so good, you lying here next to me. Oh, what a groove. You have no idea how it feels, my hands just won’t keep still. I love you, baby. I just wanna hold you, run my fingers through your hair. Ooh outta sight. Uh-huh, right there, you like it like that. Closer. Come here, closer, close. Oh, baby." Barry White from "I'm Qualified to Satisfy You"

As the nurse pulled her uniform up over her McNamara/Troy enhanced balloon kit, I felt the lust start to build in my core. She's a skank, dirty and possibly ridden with any number of easily communicable viruses, but there is something so splendidly sexy about her that I can't help thinking what it would be like to seduce her. With someone of her appetite and sex drive it wouldn't take too much wooing, a fifty dollar bill and a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boone's Farm ought to do the trick, but I just can't bring myself to part with the coin. Guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to "the art of seduction".

It dawned on me that I may have been going about this bloggity blog challenge all the wrong way. Perhaps, I thinks, instead of feeding you little pellets of who I am, I should be tapping into your collective knowledge on how to be the man I aspire to be. After all, most of you have snagged a husband, even Marc(o) Porno conned Mrs. Porno into the nuptials. Maybe the thing I'm really after, is just a few pointed questions and improvements away. So let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

We've already come to an accord and agree that a sense of humor and confidence are the two most attractive qualities that the male of the species can possess, besides of course, the seven figure bank account. I own funny like it's a Nikon, the confidence, well that's a work in progress. But I'm getting there. Which now leads us to "Finding the Other Half". How? Where? When? I'm haunted by these thoughts, more frightening than a Nicole Ritchie hot dog purge. The qualities I'm after in the future winner of the "Be Mrs. Asylum" competition are silliness, enough self esteem that I don't need to fix her, a good sense of self, and a brain. Sure a nice rack and a pretty face would help, but I don't think I'm asking the Wizard for too much. I hear this stuff all the time, how women hate men who don't want a commitment, Hello! Poster boy for "Not That Guy" right here! So if I'm not commitment phobic, I'm attractive (at least some of you seem to find me appealing), funny (check), motivated and ambitious (checkity check check) This should be a piece of bundt cake, right. So, I'm a 6lb river trout, a good catch. Now how do I bait the hook?

What do you women want to hear in the first five minutes of a conversation? Not looking for a magical line to get in your knickers, I mean, what will make you want to know more from the very start? How should I be presenting myself? Where does the line from confident to cocky get crossed? Is the bar the wrong atmosphere to be hunting? Come on ladies, you all love to change men, here's your chance to make it a team effort.

I'm a romantic, candle lit dinner, walk in the moon light kind of cowboy, but it's getting to that point where I seem to be failing like Jeff Conaway in rehab. I'm thrashing around under the waves of dubious debutante wannabees and depressing Dorothy's hoping that I can sweep them away from Kansas to Oz. I understand that as I near forty, there are less women in the "No big issues" aisle. The shelves are getting pretty barren. And I can except that some of the packaging may not be as pristine as it was, but so far, my search as eluded me. What am I not doing? What am I doing wrong?

What are the keys to a good seduction?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Future Mrs. Asylum