Reality Bites

"Sitting in my armchair thinking again and again and again, going round in a circle I can't get out. then I look around thinking day and night and day, then you look around - there must be some explanation." Killing Joke from "The Fall of Because"

I could hear the nurse in the hallway talking to the steroid riddled orderly about The Bachelor or Beauty and the Geek, or some such reality show. The nurse was bending the Hulks like mans ear off about how she would never stoop to the level of appearing on such an objectifying show. This from a woman who got her nursing degree from the University of the Lap Dance. But her indignation over the so-called television programs got me thinking about the state of reality TV.

I heard about this program that is somehow supposed to entertain us this summer from the wonder brains at G4. Granted most of you have no idea that G4 is actually a television network, but I assure you it is. A video game centric network, which I generally have no problem with. This new show they are launching for the outdoor season is to be called "Hurl". According to what I heard the gist of this train wreck is that contestants gorge themselves on food then have to participate in physical challenges. The last one to vomit, wins. I shit you not. These so-called challenges consist of things like roller coaster riding, mechanical bull wrangling, and high dive belly flopping. I'm sure the combatants will be Pulitzer and Noble prize winners, one and all.

What's next? How about a show called "Big Brotha". In this show I see like 9 members of rival gangs living in a 2 bedroom crack house in the middle of the inner city. The challenges will be something to the effect of stereo theft for speed, the 100 yard television carry, and the Baby Daddy challenge where they try to simultaneously knock up as many crack whores as possible. Those that fail are evicted in a Drive-by ceremony.

Or, maybe I could get you interested in "Kicked in the Crotch". Sounds like a winner already doesn't it? In this game contestants take as many knees, punches, and stilettos to the Man Bag as possible without screaming in agony. The finalists must ejaculate into a specimen cup, lowest blood content wins.

But why stop there? Let's all watch "The Fart Game". One player lies on his back while another takes a "Beef Stew" position over the lying players face. If you can't handle the wretched stench of your punisher, you lose. However if you happen to Cracker Jack a fart and accidentally shat on your competitor, you're out. The finals involve dueling port-a-potties sans air vents. Last one to pass out is the winner.

My final suggestion is just cruel. It's "Nic Cage Film Rag" which subjects contestants to film festivals starring the "actor", once a player utters the phrase "God he sucks." they are eliminated. It opens with "Face-Off" which usually cuts the playing field in half. The finals involve an actual conversation with Cage, last one to punch him in the snout, wins.

Got an idea for your own show? Sickened by the state of reality television? Setting "Hurl" on your TiVo now?

Dixie Cup of Love: The only good reality show - The Joe Schmoo Show.