Tonka Truck Power

"Beat on the brat, beat on the brat, beat on the brat with a baseball bat." The Ramones from "Beat on the Brat"

You'd think that the nurse would throw me a friggin' bone once in a while. I don't ask the Florence Nightingale from Hell for much, aside from my meds, an occasional happy ending sponge bath, and to make sure the TV is tuned to ABC on Thursday so I can watch "LOST". So, you'd think I pissed in her Cap'n Crunch when I asked her to turn the TV to opening day of the baseball season. She obviously has been a "sports widow" in one of her past lives as a succubus. And it got me thinking...

I will attack these Bull Durham related issues from both sides of the plate. Like a switch hitter with Tonka truck power to either field. First rule of baseball season: Respect The Streak. Ladies. There is nothing you can do about a streak. You could stand in front of the tube wearing nothing but Saran Wrap, if a runner gets to second, you'll get pushed out of the way. Don't look at it as being past over for the pastime. Look at it as an opportunity to nap, empty his closet of unflattering attire, or Wine-O-Clock. Gents. Unless the Yankees or Angels or whatever you team is has signed you to a deal to be the back up shortstop, there is nothing you can do to effect a streak either. No rally cap, monkey, or ritual jersey is gonna help. Unless you have a cursed item, those are powerful amulets from the dark lord and should be treated as such. Just ask Bobby Brady about that Tiki amulet he gripped from Vincent Price's cave in the Brady's Gone Hawaiian epic two parter.

Second rule of baseball season: Don't Respect All Streaks. Ladies. If you give the man or woman in your life, I'm not here to judge, but if you preform a sexual act that you're not prepared to perform on a nightly basis until the Halos lose you are in the wrong. If you can't stand up to the Rigimortis Monster every night, stay the hell away from new, interesting, or orally entertaining feats. Gents. Imagine this. You drop south of the border and give your woman the ever so rare Golden O without a recipritorial Hallelujah of your own, and your team wins. You may not have sex for an entire 4 game set in Kansas City. If it's followed by a 3 gamer in Cincinnati, you could be looking at 8 days without (travel days count). Again, your mattress habits have nothing to do with the inevitable outcome of sporting events.

Third rule of baseball season: October. Ladies. Accept the fact that now football season is underway and baseball is in the playoffs. This is no time for trips to your mothers, friends, or home improvement. That shit can wait til Thanksgiving. Gents. In this most heated month of fandom, it's easy to forget the gals. Sure, she may sit on the couch next to you wearing a Adrian Petersen jersey, but she's not the Vikings fan that you are. Placate. Women have a better grasp of sports than we give them credit for, they just don't allow their emotional health to rely on the bullpen. Touch her often during the game, not just pushing her towards the kitchen to get more snacks for you and the Bowery Boys. Give her attention and it will make game day a much happier and argument free day.

Got any suggestions for surviving sports? Got any rituals? Ladies, don't feel like I'm putting Baby in the corner here, I want to know if your man griefs you during sports? Any alternatives?

Dixie Cup of Love: The Boys of Summer.