Opening Night

"A plain with no herd. Not even a bird. When one side is hot, the other side of the moon is not. It's just like a ride, maybe some time they'll make it a ride..." The Pixies from "All Over the World"

The nurse and I hunkered down last night with a big bowl of popcorn, two Dixie Cups of color enhancers, and watched the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. We found the show, at least the first part, extraordinary. And it got us talking about some of the weirdness.

Saudia Arabias team is made up entirely of men, women are not allowed to drive and must obtain permission of a male guardian to work or travel. Meanwhile the United Arab Emirates had women on the team for the first time, though they were the daughters of the countries prime minister. What a world, huh?

The entire population of the country of Andorra would fit inside the beautiful stadium the ceremonies were held in, named the Birds Nest. With the entire Andorran population seated, there would still be 18,000 empty seats. Rhode Island would beat the crap out of them in Risk.

The team from Jordan had more women then men, 4-3. And the girls were really hot. I guess they are in the bikini competition, wait, what do you mean it's called Women's Beach Volleyball, I just want to watch them tan. Damn it. Stupid competition rules.

Guam had the largest competitor at 6'0", 399. One of the largest Olympians to compete ever, and the dude does Judo. I gotta see that.

If the teams from Oman and Aruba fought it would be a tag team event. 2 athletes each. Let's get that tag team match underway.

The Jamaican team should not be tested for weed as pot is not a performance enhancing drug, that is unless Hot Dog eating is now an Olympic event, in which case, I have been training for years, watch out London 2012.

The Latverians were not lead in by Dr. Doom as was expected, what, oh Latvia, never mind.

Great Britain brought a delegation of 324 athletes and not a straight tooth amongst the group.

How many Polish athletes does it take to carry a flag? You write the punchline.

The Puerto Ricans showed up in one car. It broke down twice.

The United States had more athletes competing than some island nations had citizens. If we could just export some of our less attractive athletes to those sunny climate zones, they would fair far better in the games, and we would be rid of the WNBA, but on second thought, no, let's just kick some ass.

Honduras has 7 and a half million people and has never won an Olympic medal. Don't they got one guy that can throw a discuss? Or a pole vaulter? If I was ruler of Honduras I would start a national Archery program until that 0 became a 1.

After the Americans entered W. looked like a bored kid wondering where the ice cream sandwich vendor was.

The Irish showed up drunk off their asses, go figure.

Swaziland is known as the Switzerland of Africa, who would have figured that out?

It was hard for the Mongolian team to get together since they are mostly a nomadic people, but damn is their barbecue tasty.

The Italians showed up, being that it is a large public event, any number of vendettas were taken care of back in the homeland during the parade. They too had some scorching hot women, go figure.

The Mexico delegation was 85 strong dispelling the myth that anyone that could run, jump, or swim was already in California.

Really, I'm almost done.

The Germans showed up. And have switched to an Eastern German approach too, ow, Jenny Finch is so hot, I'm sorry where was I, the Germans, yeah, the medal count has been slipping since the wall came down so it's back to the Gulag for the participants.

Speaking of hot women, hello Australia. Even Kevin Rudd, the PM of Australia couldn't help but get a boner.

The last team in, China. I know I have said it before, Asian girls are hot, we all know this, but seriously, how scary is it to watch Yao Ming carry the flag. The dude is a giant.

Anyway, 17 days of games and no Wheel of Fortune. I love the Olympics, it's weird for me. Anyway, thanks for letting me take you on this silly odyssey.

Dixie Cup of Love: The Participants.