The Next Banned Substance

"I'm sure you'll understand my point of view. We know each other mentally. You gotta know that you're bringin' out the animal in me. Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical" Olivia Newton-John from "Physical"

The nurse is as California as a girl can get without being a Mexican. She's tanned by fake sunlight in a state that has a know propensity for naturally sunny days. Her breasts have been enhanced to mimic the size of perfectly ripe cantaloupes with the exact same hardness upon feeling them. The blonde in her hair is as real as, well, her boobs. Without her Californication, a fantastic program that has it's second season debut of Showtime September 7th, the nurse would be just another flat chested brunette in Iowa. But now she's so California that she uses pills to exercise. What's next?

Ronald Evans and his colleagues at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, SIBS for short, have developed a pill that mimics the effect of exercise. Glory hallelujah, thank Jeebus, my prayers have been answered. This is the greatest news since Bill Clinton was reelected. And it's about it. For years those of us who are motivationally challenged, lazy is such an ugly word, have longed for a way to maintain health while essentially doing nothing. All you suckers that have been living, day and night, at the gym are soon going to learn what we couch champions have figured out years ago. Effort means nothing. Soon I'm going to be able to sidle up to the pharmacy and get me a bottle of Pilate's. Ronald Evans birthday will one day be a holiday for this.

Now there may be some side effect to these pills, think that's gonna scare me? Not one bit. If I have to endure impotence and male pattern baldness to get a six pack of David Beckham abs while watching LOST, bring on the Viagra and Rogaine. If the label on the bottle said that one possible side effect was monkeys flying out of my ass, I'd stock up on monkey chow and Wet Wipes.

This is one of those things, like TMZ celebrities and drive through wedding chapels, that make America great. Evans and his team spent years in college, more doing research, all in an effort to make fat people healthier. And don't think I'm being completely tongue in cheek about this. We need to be a healthier nation. It would help cut health care costs, it would stimulate the economy because those of us who find our reflections to be the greatest form of birth control might actually start leaving the house.

This pill has thus far only been tested on mice, but it showed amazing results. Mice that took the master regulator of a gene called PPAR-delta, whatever the hell that means, ran twice as far as mice that didn't take it, without any training. Outstanding news. My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to spend all that time thinking about going to the gum. II would use that time to work on my plan for global domination, wait, did I say global domination, I meant peace, world peace.

How lazy, oops, motivationally challenged have be become? Is this more awesome than Hasslehoff?

Dixie Cup of Love: Ronal Evans.