Green Envy

"Your love gave me a such a thrill, but you love can't pay my bills, I want money." Flying Lizards from "Money"

The nurse was waving around her paycheck stub, trying to quell the heat as the Asylum was saving dough by not allowing the air-conditioning to run on Sunday. The flimsy piece of paper was doing nothing to refresh her, just causing enough of a breeze to streak the mix of caked on Max Factor and sweat that covered her potato. But what I saw made me sick to my drug filled stomach. She was making a grip of greenbacks for torturing my soul. The vomit was creeping up my esophagus.

So the usually worthless throw away section of the Slow's newspaper had something in today that made me wretch. It was one of those lists that shows the respective earnings of a number of average human beings and of course, to rub our collective noses in it, the mother lode that some "celebrities" are breaking their backs carrying to Wachovia. Does it bother me that Katherine Heigl of TV's "Grey's Anatomy" makes $11 million bucks? No, she works a series, plus shoots movies, does commercials, the girl works her bouncingly buoyant boobies off. Do I think it's fair compensation compared to the $24 thousand that a Nebraska flight attendant makes? Of course not. But there were some numbers and people on this list that chapped my ass like horseback riding in the buff.

Doctor, and I use that term as lightly as I calling Sylvester Stallone an actor, Phil rakes in $90 million beans for telling fat women that it isn't their fault they are hefty, its their inadequate spouses fault. I'm as pro women as the next quack, but selling out ones own gender in a scam to separate the delusional from their hard earned quid is usually reserved for Revival Churches in tents. Oprah invited this miscreant into your homes, not mine because I believe that watching Oprah causes cancer, and you drones are floating this guys boat to the tune of eight figures, nearly nine. For Shame, America.

Chris Barnes makes $313,000 a year at his job. That's not a truckload, but it could certainly fill a Mini-Cooper. And what does this right handed wonder do in order to bank those greens? You'd think with the hint that he would perhaps pitch baseballs, no. Professional masturbation, no, come on if that was a job, I'd be the Bill Gates of Self Flogulation. No, this pinhead makes over a quarter of million bucks a year bowling. Are you shitting me? Bowling? I'm pretty good at lawn darts, but I don't know that America would pay me a wooden nickel to watch.

Now compare that to a personal assistant in Minot, North Dakota who makes $17,800 for her 365 days of hard work. That's below poor. And she lives in North Dakota which is already like being given a prison sentence, I hope she has to wait on some douchebag professional bowler for a living. Because I'm pretty sure when he says "I need you to polish my balls." she could have an excellent sexual harassment lawsuit payout coming.

There were other assorted numbers that made my brain hurt. Oprah Winfrey's gravy boat is worth $250 million smackaroos a year, Tiger Woods pulls down $115 million. 50 Cent makes the most of being a thug with a cool $33 million, guess it ain't that hard out there for a pimp. Ryan Seacrest whores himself out for a paltry $12 million and that's not much for ones dignity. But there were two that made me convulse.

Miley Cyrus. Hannah "friggin'" Montana. The hell spawn of the Icky-Sticky Goop singer robs the working class for $18.2 million dollars at age 15. Do I feel like an underachiever of Bart Simpson levels or what? That's ridiculous. Now, with Miley I will admit, she's pretty wholesome good role model material so far. But that kind of coin and those stage parents are going to cause I twisted drug bender that will make Lohan look like a AA veteran. I can't wait, and I hope I'm her dealer, cause I'm get every last dime of that sack of Benjamin's.

But the most insulting to me, to all of us. Trouble. That's the name of hotel heiress Leona Helmsley's dog. DOG. The pooch pulls down, hold on to something, $12 million a year! For licking its own balls. Which answers that age old question of why does a dog lick its sack, because apparently if you have the right shallow brained owner you can mint. Hear that Ruff Stuff, start licking your way to a fortune now.

Do you find this disgusting? Do you think people in entertainment (except writers) are overpaid?

Dixie Cup of Love: Eileen Welsh a teacher from Delaware who makes $13,000 a year. What's wrong with this country?