Manifestos, Commandments, and Other Things Worth Dying For

"Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, step inside, step inside." Emerson, Lake, and Palmer from "Karn Evil 9"

Spring has sprung like a fat kids boner the day the Victoria Secrets catalog shows up in the mail. Rejoice. Time for all those wonderful spring things to start popping up. The birds will start singing a sweet, seductive tune. The bees will move from flower to flower faster than a certain rehab addicted celebrity moves from club to club. Proms will be given Velveeta cheesy themes like "Night of 1000 Premature Ejaculations". Virgins will become certified pharmacists and many a girl will never remember her first time. Ah, youth. It really is wasted on the young. But the single greatest gift that Spring has to deliver has nothing to do with proms, birds, bees, or drug addled actresses, no it’s the sweet stench of the asylum doors being kicked wide open for "Bring your Kids to Shock Treatment" night. And I’m standing in the door way greeting you with a grin that promises both something sinister and something sweet.

The One Man Asylum Manifesto - written by Bill Kaczynski, brother of that Unibrow guy.

The Promises

1. The Asylum will not dispense romantic advice too often. If you want that read Stephanie’s Blog. I know nothing about these things, don’t pretend too.

2. The Asylum will not feature a gob of pictures to express a stream of consiouness. If you want that read The Captain’s Blog. She does it better than a lunatic ever could, besides the straight jacket really limits mouse movement.

3. The Asylum doesn’t feature poetry, discussions about the difference between Merlot and Pinot Noir, nor any other subject matter that is beyond the scope of the inmates overly medicated minds.

4. The Asylum will praise those that stand up against the tyranny, privacy evading, e-mail reading Paparazzi. Most of the swill that they chase after with cam-corders held aloft are only famous because TMZ decided that we wanted to know. You wanna see someone that knows how to handle the soul sucking leeches, talk to James Caan.

5. The Asylum will discuss, ad naseum, the truly important things in life, like Lost, Heroes, Jericho, and Inside the Actors Studio.

6. The Asylum will hold in reverence those that make entertainment entertaining. Minds like Smith, Tarantino, Rodriguez, Reitman, Abrams, Spielberg, Coppola, Mendes, and Scorsese.

7. The Asylum will covet the talent of the pensmiths. Names like Bendis, Miller, Vaughn, Cody, Kaufman, Sorkin, Ellis, and Ennis.

8. The Asylum vows to suck less, rock like the balls, and name the names of those that take our meds away.

The 5 Commandments, because 10 is really over used.

Thou shall call Paris either "The City of Lights" or "The Retarded Hilton Girl"

Thou shall leave comments for good or bad.

Thou shall heap kudos upon the Asylum by the truck load

Thou shall TiVo "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" because that Scotish-American is hilarious.

Thou shall post pictures of Plastic Surgeries Gone Bad, because lunatics love nothing better than the hatchetted face of a once lovely person (have you seen Priscilla Presley, WTF)

If we were to expand the commandments list to 7, which two would you add?

Dixie Cup of Love: Graham for giving me the idea in the first place.